What Is Your Reason For Your Divorce?

Are you wondering why people get divorced? Or, perhaps, you are wondering why people stay married? Is the very best description of your marriage, unhappy, or is it very unhappy?

Knowing why to divorce can be difficult, and it's a decision that can't be taken lightly. So how do you know if you should proceed? How can you be sure that this time is really it? That this time there's no turning back?

Are you being abused?
It doesn’t matter if it is emotional or physical, abuse is something no one should have to live with. If you believe you are a victim of abuse, you may consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

You no longer respect or trust your spouse.
A strong marriage is based on trust, understanding and mutual respect. If you've lost all respect or no longer trust your spouse, it may be a sign that it's time to move on. If you are being lied to even about small issues it is a bad sign for future interactions.

You think of your marriage as "the lesser of evils."
If you're only staying with your husband or wife because you think it's easier than having to start over and find someone new, chances are your relationship is in serious trouble.

You are the one being unfaithful to your spouse.
Many people think of an affair as a physical relationship. But you're kidding yourself if you think emotionally charged Facebook chats or texting exchanges with friends or coworkers are harmless. You've just traded one kind of an affair for another.

If you're cheating on your spouse physically or emotionally, it might be time to give your spouse the respect they deserve and get a divorce so you both can find happiness.

At the end of the day, only you can determine if you should get a divorce. It's a personal decision that should be made with careful thought and consideration.

But if one or more of the items on this list is true for you, and you think it's time to take the next step, you owe it to yourself to learn the best way to tell your spouse you want a divorce so you can keep things as peaceful as possible and do what's best for you, your spouse and your children.

At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment. 

Through mediation if you need a divorce why not get the best possible outcome.

WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300 
Tempe, AZ 85282 
(480) 777-5500
http://whymediate.solutions

You Can’t Get A Divorce!

Is that a chilling headline… “You Can’t Get A Divorce!”? Is your first question, Why? The better question is, where? Are you thinking a third world or Muslim country? Italy, perhaps?

The Philippines is now the only country in the world that denies divorce to the majority of its citizens; it is the last holdout among a group of staunchly Catholic countries where the church has fought hard to enforce its views on the sanctity of marriage.

Pope Francis, who visited the Philippines recently, has urged his bishops to take a more forgiving stance toward divorced Catholics, but this is a moot point in the Philippines: There is no such thing as a divorced Catholic.

A bill that would legalize divorce in the Philippines is now before the legislature, but it has little chance of becoming law without the support of President Benigno Aquino III, who is on record saying divorce is a “no-no” for this archipelago nation. Aquino, a bachelor and a practicing Catholic, said he does not want the Philippines to become like Las Vegas, where “you get married in the morning [and] you get divorced in the afternoon.”

Luckily for most folks in the United States and here in Arizona particularly divorce is legal and in many cases necessary.

At WHYmediate? we know that you’re going through one of the most difficult times of your life and we know that we can help make it easier on you and on your family.

Here, we believe in open communication – full disclosure of all possible issues, obstacles and solutions, sharing information, stories, experiences that will help you. We believe in progress, and that to us means change, transition and letting go. We bring vast experience in areas of the law, mediation, coaching and healing to the table and empower you to do your own research and find the values of your assets and extent of your liabilities.

The WHYmediate? process helps people resolve conflicts and re-create relationships. Mediation is a conflict resolution process – a smart alternative to going to court, saving time, money, energy, stress and paperwork. You will walk away with an in-depth understanding of how to best address communication with the other party. Better mutual understanding can lead to current and future resolution!

At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment.

Through mediation if you need a divorce why not get the best possible outcome.

WHYmediate? Mediation Services

4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300

Tempe, AZ 85282

(480) 777-5500

http://whymediate.solutions

A Bad Relationship With Your Spouse Affects Your Children

When parents fight, children are affected. The worse the fight the greater the effect. If parents can resolve their conflicts without behaving violently toward each other or speaking harshly, children are not as disturbed. They learn that conflicts can be resolved peacefully and relationships preserved, even when people strongly disagree with each other. When parents lash out or give each other the silent treatment, however, children are affected in many ways.

Studies have shown that children's school difficulties are often related to parental conflict. Researchers studied a group of children for three years, beginning when the children were six years old. The children who reported concerns about how their parents got along with each other were at significantly higher risk for having problems paying attention; the problems began one year after the children reported their concerns. Researchers speculated the children may have developed the habit of diverting their attention from their current situation in order to deal with the chaos in their home environment.

When a study group recently asked kids to answer how they could tell if a couple was married, one answer that kept arising was “If they are arguing, then they are probably married.” This response might seem comical if it were coming from an adult, but coming from a child whose intentions are far from getting a laugh, the answer is much more unsettling and much more worthy of our consideration.

Some of us can remember occasions from our own childhoods when our parents were so involved in their emotional states that they acted as if we were invisible. Now as parents, there are times when we are so immersed in an interaction with our partner or spouse, that we forget that we have an audience in our children. We may try to fool ourselves that they are distracted playing on the floor, but little is likely to slip past them when it comes to dynamics between their parents. Whether it’s a parent who yells a lot or one who acts sullen and angry, these patterns directly impact our kids when they are young, and they often go on to re-enact them in their own relationships when they reach adulthood.

They may not know it, but the people that are closest to you, like your children, are studying your relationship and at times making a decision about their own worth and value based on how they see you and your partner treating each other. This is a great motivator for many a couple to take inventory of how they are doing – not only as parents – but as partners. We encourage you to put much work into strengthening and improving the depth of your relationship and intimacy.

Is it time to consider a change in your relationship? At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment. 

WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300 
Tempe, AZ 85282 
(480) 777-5500
http://whymediate.solutions

What Is Your Win / Win?

Do You Want To “Resolve Your Divorce Conflicts in a Positive Learning Environment.” ? 

Are you familiar with the saying “You don’t know what you don’t know.”? If you haven’t learned about the advantages of using Divorce Mediation rather than going to the adversarial process of Divorce Court, then it is something you don’t know. You need to take a minute and look over the advantages of using the services from WHYmediate?.

The WHYmediate? process helps people resolve conflicts and re-create relationships. 

Mediation is a conflict resolution process – a smart alternative to going to court, saving time, money, energy, stress and paperwork. You will walk away with an in-depth understanding of how to best address communication with the other party. Better mutual understanding can lead to current and future resolution!

Use your guided mediation process to resolve your conflicts and move you from WHY? to YES!

We can help you stay out of court; avoid the legal fees associated with high court costs and still resolve your conflict!

Did you know that your conflict can result in a lasting growth experience instead of the usual permanent destruction of relationships after the court battle is over? Get on with life, sooner!

In the WHYmediate? process, we will move you from conflict to mutually agreeable terms and mutual understanding – sometimes with grace, sometimes with technical brilliance and sometimes with shear gut intuition and will.

During your mediation session each person involved in the dispute presents a summary of his or her point of view. If you have an attorney, they are often allowed to attend, but you then have to pay for three professionals in the same room at the same time, and most parties do not want to spend that much money these days in these challenging financial times. The mediator will meet with everyone together and may also meet individually with each side. This offers participants the opportunity to communicate to the mediator their real interests in the dispute as well as to vent anger or frustrations outside the presence of the opposing side. The mediator will work with each person until an agreement is reached that is acceptable to everyone. 

Once you do reach agreement, the mediator or the attorneys will put the agreement or the final consent decree or stipulated agreement in writing and signed by the people involved, with the advice of their attorneys which can then be filed as an order to be approved by the judge assigned to your case.

At WHYmediate?, Find out if mediation can allow you to resolve Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment.

WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300 
Tempe, AZ 85282 
(480) 777-5500
http://whymediate.solutions

Spousal Support and the Arizona Law

The award of spousal support, (alimony), is discretionary with the Court and depends on many factors. Generally, spousal maintenance is not awarded for marriages of short duration (for example, less than five years), but this is not a hard-and-fast rule. While the length of marriage and the earnings of each spouse are important considerations, an award of spousal maintenance depends on the "reasonable needs" of the requesting spouse.

With mediation spousal support can be agreed to as part of the negotiations. If both parties agree, the maintenance order and a decree of dissolution of marriage may state that its maintenance terms shall not be modified.

Spousal support is essentially a two-tiered process. The first issue is whether one spouse is entitled to spousal maintenance. If this is true, then the second issue is the amount and duration of the support.

No other area of the divorce process is more uncertain than spousal support.  Judges often say that no two judges looking at the same set of facts will come up with the same alimony amount.  To try to take some of the guess work out of calculating alimony the court did prepare guidelines but these guidelines have not been adopted.  These guidelines look at the years of marriage and the difference between the parties’ incomes to calculate an alimony.  But the court should not be relying solely on the guidelines and must take into account the factors expressed in the Arizona Revised Statutes governing spousal maintenance.

Arizona is what is known as a rehabilitate state when it comes to alimony.  Meaning that the purpose of the spousal maintenance should be to enable the other spouse to get back on their feet and be self-sufficient.  Thus alimony awards in Arizona may be for less number of years than what other states would award.

A spouse might wonder if fault in ending the marriage can disqualify someone from receiving alimony. For example, a husband or wife might want to limit alimony for an unfaithful spouse. In the dissolution of a regular marriage that is not a covenant marriage in Arizona, the only ground considered is whether the spouses have an irretrievably broken marriage. Although Arizona divorce laws allow for a discussion of each spouse's conduct during the dissolution of a covenant marriage, the state's alimony factors do not specifically include a factor for marital misconduct and other fault grounds. Accordingly, a spouse's marital misconduct does not automatically lead to disqualification from alimony.

Mediation maybe your only chance to reach an agreement that you can have some influence on the spousal support terms.

At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment. 

WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300 
Tempe, AZ 85282 
(480) 777-5500
http://whymediate.solutions

The Main Reason Divorce Happens

One question that is often asked is, what is the cause of divorce.  Why do marriages end? While many folks have a long list of reasons careful examination shows a simple base reason.  And that reason is… expectations that aren’t met. This may fall into that very old saying of “Happy Wife = Happy Life.”

Does your spouse get what they want out of your marriage? If they don’t get what they want why would you expect them to stay married to you?

OK, they is another reason that dovetails with this one. You do something that annoys the heck out of your spouse. 

Can a happy marriage really be that simple?  Like all things in life nothing is just black and white.  People are different. This brings up another old saying… “Different Strokes For Different Folks.”

Do you have reasonable expectations for your marriage? Are you expecting to live “Happily ever After?”

Do you talk to your spouse often enough? Do you talk too much? Really… have you ever asked to see if there is something you could or should be doing?  Would it surprise you to find something you do really annoys your spouse? It boils down to asking the right questions and only at the right time.

If you think that sexual infidelity is the leading cause of divorce, you've got it all wrong. A recent survey polled thousands of divorced women and to see what they say are the top reasons they decided to split, and, believe it or not, communication problems came out on top as the number one reason marriages fail. 

Somewhere in a marriage there is a subtle change in the intimacy department. One person has an off day, there is a misunderstanding or someone doesn't feel well. Then there's the idea that he isn't as romantic or she isn't as sexual.

Whoever is the one with the subtle change can trigger a downward spiral in the intimacy department. Men generally need sexual receptivity to feel romantic and women generally need romance to be sexual receptive. As long as both people are getting what they need, they willingly provide what the other person wants. However, when there is a lessening on either's part, that can trigger a pulling back in the other. If gone unnoticed and unchecked, before the couple realizes, they are seriously intimately estranged and wonder what happened. This can lead to divorce as couples begin to feel unloved and unappreciated. And we say again, does your spouse get what they want from the marriage?

If this comes too late to save your marriage please remember you do have options when considering exactly how you go about getting divorced.  Mediation may be the very best answer for you.

At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment. 

WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300 
Tempe, AZ 85282 
(480) 777-5500
http://whymediate.solutions

Can I Get A Divorce On My Own?

Can I get a divorce on my own? In Arizona the short answer is, yes. The real question is should you? Perhaps the real telling answer is when a lawyer gets a divorce they usually hire another lawyer to represent them. Now why would they not do the divorce on their own?

Are you familiar with the old saying “A person who acts as his own lawyer has a fool for his client”? This saying is based on the opinion, probably first expressed by a lawyer, that self-representation in court is likely to end badly. As with many proverbs, it is difficult to determine a precise origin but this expression first began appearing in print in the early 19th century.

The more complex and the more convoluted your life is the more a lawyer will be able to help you navigate all the areas needed to have a proper outcome.

But did you know that you do have an option in the overall divorce process.  That option is called mediation.

Couples who mediate their divorce settlement end up better off financially and emotionally than husbands and wives who fight and litigate their settlement in court, and their children fare better emotionally as well as a result of the reduced anger and hostility between their parents. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consult with an attorney about your divorce. If you have questions or concerns, you should.

In mediation, disputants often learn for the first time about the core of themselves and the other party – their spouse, their boss, their child, their employee. And that makes a big difference through the mediation process.

Making a decision to get a divorce is not easy. There are emotional, financial and legal issues involved. You may wonder whether you need a lawyer to help with your Arizona divorce or whether it’s best for you and your spouse to try to handle it yourselves.

There is more to the divorce process than filling out and filing a few papers with the court. Learn the steps you need to protect yourself and your children.

The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out  (your) WHY. ~ Mark Twain

At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment. 

WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300 
Tempe, AZ 85282 
(480) 777-5500
http://whymediate.solutions

Alas My Spouse I’m Outta Here

They say we can help understand many things in life by asking five simple questions… Who, What, Why, Where and When.  Let’s apply those 5 questions to divorce.

Why
Let’s start with why. I’m sorry to say that the real 'why' of divorce often goes unanswered. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to the why of divorce. Yes, there are the reasons we hear about, money (usually the lack thereof), substance abuse, physical or emotional abuse, drifting apart and the irreconcilable difference (whatever that means).

Who
This one is the one very hard pills to swallow… your spouse finds a brand new lover interest. Did you start your new life by being part of a marriage breakup? Did that give you any hint about your new life partner? While this can seem exciting as the other spouse, the shoe being on the other foot can be quite frightening.

What
This is often related to the “why” of divorce. Is No-fault divorce the reason for the increase in divorce rates? If a spouse is seriously ill the divorce rate goes up.  Kind of tells you something about the vow, till death do us part. Of course while rare some times a spouse tries to hurry that condition along. We have all seen the news stories of this starting as early as the honeymoon. This gives a real different meaning to “match made in heaven.”

When
We have all heard about the seven year itch.  Is it true? When it comes to married Americans, the seven-year itch is definitely real. According to the data compilers the average American couple that gets divorced makes it to year eight of marriage before splitting for good.

If you're a woman two or more years older than your husband, your marriage is 53 percent more likely to end in divorce than if he was one year younger to three years older. Wide age gaps between spouses can create sexual discord and other disagreements. Our current culture is so focused on personal satisfaction and happiness that some people feel this is a contributing factor in divorce.

Where
Yes, there are certain locations where divorce is more prevalent. If you live in a red state, you're 27 percent more likely to get divorced than if you live in a blue state. Maybe that's because red-state couples traditionally marry younger, and the younger the partners, the riskier the marriage. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the states with the lowest median age at marriage are Utah, Arkansas, Kentucky, and Oklahoma.

At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment. 

WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300 
Tempe, AZ 85282 
(480) 777-5500
http://whymediate.solutions

Celebrate the 4th of July

Happy 4th of July from your Friends at WHYmediate?

At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment.

WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300
Tempe, AZ 85282
(480) 777-5500
http://whymediate.solutions

Handling Holidays During and After Your Divorce

The holidays after your divorce maybe the worst holidays you ever have. Everyone may assume you will be spending those days with someone else. You could be way too embarrassed to say, "Excuse me but I have nowhere to go for the holidays. Can I come to your house?"

Try not to go into hibernation mode. Insecure feelings may tempt you to isolate, but force yourself to go out even if it's only for a short time. Movies and songs often paint a very unrealistic picture of the holidays. Most people don't have Norman Rockwell holidays and family, it's OK.

Take care of your physical well-being. Healthy foods will give you strength; fattening foods and sugar can make you sluggish or worsen depression. Exercise produces natural stress reducers. Numbing emotional distress with chemicals (drugs and alcohol) often creates more problems, depression and anxiety. Plus they may make you do something you will really regret.

Precisely explain to your family and friends what you are capable of doing this year, and what you aren't. Don't let others guilt you into taking on more than you can handle. People who have never suffered loss may not understand your sadness or sorrow during the holidays. In particular if your loss isn't obvious such as the death of a loved one, you may need to explain why you are struggling.

Some families choose to spend holidays all together, even after the divorce. Usually this doesn't happen right away, but after a few years and time for healing, some parents are able to put aside their differences and enjoy time spent together with their kids. Some even blend in new partners and children. Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and holidays. 

The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kids' needs. For example, if the kids express a strong desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is "officially."

Especially during holidays, keep any bitterness you still feel over the divorce between you and your ex. If you can't say anything nice, just smile. Avoid putting the children in the awkward position of taking sides. Be as generous as you can with your kids about their relationships with their ex and the rest of the family. Encourage them to talk about the gifts they received and activities they engaged in with other family members they see over the holidays. Let them know they can show happiness with both parents. Help your children shop for the other parent, as well as their siblings, grandparent, or stepparent.

At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment.

WHYmediate? Mediation Services

4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300

Tempe, AZ 85282

(480) 777-5500

http://whymediate.solutions

The Timing Of Your Divorce Is Important

The pending divorce of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Divorcing after 10 years of marriage opens the question of the timing of their divorce. In California a marriage of less than ten years affects the alimony. One decade does it, in terms of altering your rights to alimony in a divorce. California's famous 10-year rule, however, is widely misquoted and misinterpreted. Before hanging onto a bad marriage for a few more years to clinch the supposed alimony benefits of a marriage of long duration, it pays to understand the actual meaning of this concept within the context of California law.

While there in no direct corollary in Arizona law timing is a factor. A judge in Arizona may award temporary, or "pendente lite," meaning pending the final divorce, maintenance during divorce proceedings. When the final order is entered, the judge may also order either temporary or permanent maintenance for a period of time. An order may direct one spouse to pay the other a lump sum, or more commonly, a monthly amount for a specific length of time.

Permanent spousal maintenance is becoming increasingly rare. Even after longer marriages, courts mostly tend to look at maintenance as rehabilitative, in other words, put in place temporarily to allow a spouse to find a job or obtain training and education to improve employment prospects.

During mediation spousal support can be one of the items negotiated between the two parties.

Periodic maintenance payments are usually taxable to the recipient and tax-deductible by the payer. Couples can sometimes take advantage of this situation by structuring payments to create the best possible tax scenario for both spouses. The IRS generally treats lump-sum payments as property distributions even if the court or the couple refers to the payment as maintenance or alimony. Under these circumstances there would be no tax effects for either spouse.

Arizona is a community property state. Community property, joint tenancy and other property held in common will typically be divided 50/50 by the court if the parties are not able to come to an agreement. Marital misconduct will have no effect on property division, but the court can consider excessive or abnormal use of community property, including actions of fraud, concealment or destruction.

Property acquired by either spouse outside of Arizona shall be deemed to be community property if the property would have been considered community property if it had been acquired in Arizona.

Property owned prior to the marriage, and gifts and inheritances received during the marriage are generally considered separate property, as long as they haven’t been comingled with marital property, and are typically awarded back to the owning spouse. A court may put a lien on these assets, however, to secure child or spousal support payments.

At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment. 

WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300 
Tempe, AZ 85282 
(480) 777-5500
http://whymediate.solutions

"Ben Affleck SDCC 2014 (cropped)" by Gage Skidmore - https://www.flickr.com/photos/gageskidmore/14783041472/. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons - https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ben_Affleck_SDCC_2014_(cropped).jpg#/media/File:Ben_Affleck_SDCC_2014_(cropped).jpg Creative Commons Jennifer Garner image taken by Karon Liu 2009