Thursday, July 2, 2015

Handling Holidays During and After Your Divorce

The holidays after your divorce maybe the worst holidays you ever have. Everyone may assume you will be spending those days with someone else. You could be way too embarrassed to say, "Excuse me but I have nowhere to go for the holidays. Can I come to your house?"

Try not to go into hibernation mode. Insecure feelings may tempt you to isolate, but force yourself to go out even if it's only for a short time. Movies and songs often paint a very unrealistic picture of the holidays. Most people don't have Norman Rockwell holidays and family, it's OK.

Take care of your physical well-being. Healthy foods will give you strength; fattening foods and sugar can make you sluggish or worsen depression. Exercise produces natural stress reducers. Numbing emotional distress with chemicals (drugs and alcohol) often creates more problems, depression and anxiety. Plus they may make you do something you will really regret.

Precisely explain to your family and friends what you are capable of doing this year, and what you aren't. Don't let others guilt you into taking on more than you can handle. People who have never suffered loss may not understand your sadness or sorrow during the holidays. In particular if your loss isn't obvious such as the death of a loved one, you may need to explain why you are struggling.

Some families choose to spend holidays all together, even after the divorce. Usually this doesn't happen right away, but after a few years and time for healing, some parents are able to put aside their differences and enjoy time spent together with their kids. Some even blend in new partners and children. Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and holidays. 

The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kids' needs. For example, if the kids express a strong desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is "officially."

Especially during holidays, keep any bitterness you still feel over the divorce between you and your ex. If you can't say anything nice, just smile. Avoid putting the children in the awkward position of taking sides. Be as generous as you can with your kids about their relationships with their ex and the rest of the family. Encourage them to talk about the gifts they received and activities they engaged in with other family members they see over the holidays. Let them know they can show happiness with both parents. Help your children shop for the other parent, as well as their siblings, grandparent, or stepparent.

At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment.

WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300
Tempe, AZ 85282
(480) 777-5500

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