The holidays after your divorce maybe the worst holidays you
ever have. Everyone may assume you will be spending those days with someone
else. You could be way too embarrassed to say, "Excuse me but I have
nowhere to go for the holidays. Can I come to your house?"
Try not to go into hibernation mode. Insecure feelings may
tempt you to isolate, but force yourself to go out even if it's only for a
short time. Movies and songs often paint a very unrealistic picture of the
holidays. Most people don't have Norman Rockwell holidays and family, it's OK.
Take care of your physical well-being. Healthy foods will
give you strength; fattening foods and sugar can make you sluggish or worsen
depression. Exercise produces natural stress reducers. Numbing emotional
distress with chemicals (drugs and alcohol) often creates more problems, depression
and anxiety. Plus they may make you do something you will really regret.
Precisely explain to your family and friends what you are
capable of doing this year, and what you aren't. Don't let others guilt you
into taking on more than you can handle. People who have never suffered loss
may not understand your sadness or sorrow during the holidays. In particular if
your loss isn't obvious such as the death of a loved one, you may need to
explain why you are struggling.
Some families choose to spend holidays all together, even
after the divorce. Usually this doesn't happen right away, but after a few
years and time for healing, some parents are able to put aside their differences
and enjoy time spent together with their kids. Some even blend in new partners
and children. Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give
your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and
holidays.
The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your
agreements to fit your kids' needs. For example, if the kids express a strong
desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance
of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is
"officially."
Especially during holidays, keep any bitterness you still
feel over the divorce between you and your ex. If you can't say anything nice,
just smile. Avoid putting the children in the awkward position of taking sides.
Be as generous as you can with your kids about their relationships with their
ex and the rest of the family. Encourage them to talk about the gifts they
received and activities they engaged in with other family members they see over
the holidays. Let them know they can show happiness with both parents. Help
your children shop for the other parent, as well as their siblings,
grandparent, or stepparent.
At WHYmediate?, we give you the tools you need to
resolve your Divorce conflicts in a positive learning environment.
WHYmediate? Mediation Services
4500 South Lakeshore Drive Suite 300
Tempe, AZ 85282
(480) 777-5500
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